Monday, December 28, 2009

can't stop thinking about this

hi, i literally can't stop thinking about this so i'm going to write it down. i don't claim to have anything all figured out or perfectly profound or to write anything completely worth reading, but typing this out forces me to think about it so maybe it'll help my thought process and maybe you'll be entertained or something.

tonight i'm thinking about all types of love. tonight i'm thankful for all of it. i heard someone say once (i think it was kels, one of my dearest friends and singing mate) that we love people in different ways. in the way that fits and that comes naturally. what i'm thinking about is how it is all such a privilege to be a part of.

do you ever find yourself thinking that you're missing out? like, "if you're not head over heels in love with somebody - well, too bad, you're missing the good stuff. maybe later you'll really hit the jackpot and find that... but not now, no. now you're just in the meanwhile." i've done that before. i've put value on one type of love and discounted all the other types before. when we do that, i think we are making a huge mistake. epically huge. life-changingly huge.
for some reason i am suddenly able to give everything i've held great, deep appreciation.

this is what i mean by all kinds of love. for example, the kind when you think someone at some point in time is genuinely the most interesting person and you can't wait to be around them again. or the kind when you think exactly alike as the other person and find so many things in common it's insane. or the kind when you are so different from the other person that you are so deeply intrigued with who they are and why they do things. or the kind when you forget everything "unworthy" about someone and remember only the beautiful, of-course-i-love-you things about them. or how about the kind when when that all happens, but it's not reciprocated? what about the kind when they have different feelings for you then you have for them? all kinds. the kind when you can't figure out why it doesn't work. the kind that works for a little while. the kind that you wish would happen but doesn't. the kind that comes out of nowhere. the kind you and i don't deserve. the kind that wakes us up in the morning. the kind that hurts a lot. the kind that there is no explanation for why it didn't work out. regardless of what kind it is, it all has to do with knowing something about someone and chasing it.

it all has to do with knowing somebody and believing they are worth your questions.

even if you try it and it doesn't seem to create anything but a few awkward months or a slowed friendship, it is still under the umbrella category of "all kinds" of love. i don't think that something "not working out" is a failed relationship. it's just a mismatching of types of love. and truthfully, when i think of it THAT way, it is exponentially easier to be content. i have loved and i've been loved and i'm better for it. i am privileged to be mismatched, and perhaps i'll be privileged one day to be matched to the same kind. it is incredible to look around and look at my experiences and everyone elses' and really believe that i'm not missing anything, by being at this place in my life. i am right here, alive, and i'm knowing people.

i am deeply soaked in love.

i am certain of this because i know love! because i am loved for nothing i have done or could ever do; i am loved solely based on that fact that i am His creation. God's. i think being grounded in that love is what enables me to love and be loved with all kinds.

so. . .i'm thankful to those who've let me love them. i'm thankful for those who love me. but that's STILL not the point. that's good, but i am taught that i am still sorely mistaken if my love and thankfulness for love ends there.

matthew 5 reads "if you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? even corrupt tax collectors do that much. if you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? even pagans do that." and in john 13 jesus' words are recorded: "so now i am giving you a new commandment: love each other. just as i have loved you, you should love each other. your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples."

so it turns out it's about loving those who love me and loving those who don't love me. it's gotta be both. i want it to be both.

so this, this is my great hope. that i would love love love love love and keep on loving, with that sweet, life-giving love jesus loves silly little self-absorbed me with. because love is not about ME and what i get from love. what a sad love that would be. so to recap: all sorts of love are perfect for me. every single kind i hope to never take for granted. i hope to be a lover of, a fighter for, and a crazed seeker of the Love that gives all the little kinds meaning and worth. may my life never be about what God can do in my life, but about how i can be a part of his life, loving with his kind of love that make all the other kinds worth it.

do you think i'm crazy? i am. goodbye, go love. realize that you are cherished, and you''ll cherish everything.